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It Took Going Through This To Reconnect With God
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Growing up I didn’t have a solid foundation in God or my faith. I just knew our little Church of Christ up the road was a haven for me. At 5 and 6 years old I would put on my Sunday best and walk through our “out of the way” neighborhood to church. My family didn’t go often. I loved hearing that Jesus loved me. I basked in the worship music and just hearing scripture. I didn’t understand it. It felt like home.
As I went through life, I struggled with being diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 8. I didn’t understand what that was. When it was explained to me, I believed those who were supposed to know best and unfortunately took that on as the truth of who I was. I also believe every lie anyone told me from that point forward. I was as naïve as they come. No matter what truth I spoke the people in my life that I was supposed to trust would tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. They devalued most of what I ever said unless I proved by a source other than myself it was true.
All I wanted was to feel connected to God in my daily life like I did at Church. To feel His presence, comfort, and peace no matter where I was sounded too good to be true. I was determined to figure it out.
Growing up I struggled to feel like I belonged anywhere other than in a church or alone in my closet. I usually felt safest alone. As I went through traumatic moments in my family and my life overtime, I started to believe that I was took broken and has strayed too far from God for Him to want me.
It wasn’t until I was married with kids and miserable did, I finally hear God’s distinct whisper “it’s time to change.” That was a turning point for me. I then started, like we all do, turning to the world for answers. God said this so now seek out those who are wise and should be able to help me with God’s direction. The problem with that is I wasn’t being obedient. God would set me on a path, and I would stop listening to Him and start listening to others.
That meant I wasn’t going to change anything. I desired to hear God’s whisper again. I spent so much time searching the world for God’s voice and God’s presence that I was way off the path again. No surprise. That was my life and I would hit rock bottom again before I would allow myself to hear Him.
Rock bottom was a very scary place. I knew I never wanted to get stuck in the darkness of my soul again. I never wanted to feel like ending my life was the best choice. Here I am caring for these little ones and have a husband who says he loves me. I really didn’t understand how he could, but he did. I didn’t want to hurt them by taking my life.
So I had to figure out what I was missing between therapy and personal development. I was missing a solid foundation. What does that look like? It looked like finding my faith again even though I felt unworthy and terrified God would reject me. It looked like taking time to dig deeper into the darkest parts of myself with God at my side so we could face it together so I could start to heal from my past.
I struggled with others not understanding the path I had chosen. I struggled with not having others on the journey with me. I struggled with feeling alone in the process. I even struggled with some days the lies creeping in very loudly telling me I wasn’t enough and to stop trying so hard.
In the end I was able to find a way to replace the lies of the world with God’s truth, with God’s promise. I was able to break down the foundation I thought I had and start rebuilding a strong foundation to heal with and move forward from.
The transformation that came with that was so amazing for me. I watched God strategically move and shift people in and out of my life so I could continue to walk forward on the journey of self-discovery and staying connected with Him. I was finally able to seek peace in God during my day.
I will say this doesn’t me I don’t slip and sometimes backslide. Everyone does. It just means that now I have tools God guided me to create so I can turn to those tools and to God to help me get back on my feet. Self-discovery is a life-long journey. It is not a quick few week thing. If you can take the few weeks to gain the tools and knowledge so you start putting them into practice it will make your journey simpler, not easy.
Declare Your Truth ~ Live Your Purpose ~ Dena S. Adams~