I was 25, married, 4 kids (# 5 was on the way we just didn’t know it yet). At this point all I desired was to feel God in my life completely again, for all the pain and horrible feelings to go away so I could feel good about myself, my life, and so I could see what good was in my life.
At the time I was struggling with being a stay at home mom. That meant I had to be a full time mom, while not fully embracing motherhood, and no longer providing for my family financially. It also meant I was no longer self sufficient if anything happened to my marriage.
This made me feel depressed, anxious, fearful of life, and was feeling lost. I was full of misery, emptiness, and pain like I was a burden, had no value, and believed that I was truly unlovable so it was inevitable my marriage would not last.
I was praying for God to help me. I didn’t know what that looked like but I knew I needed His help or I would end up back in the darkest part of my soul, letting it control me and convince me to attempt to take my life again and I was terrified being so close to that place again.
Then one day while I was sitting on the living room floor with our then 5 month old daughter in our little 2 bedroom house, I heard God whisper to me and give me the phrase, “it’s time to change.” It was that phrase everything the way I chose to live life moving forward. It hit me in the heart and I had to so be by myself to feel through and honor God’s presence, my vulnerability, and the great feelings He was reminding me I could have if I gave effort to caring for myself and spending time with Him.
I knew in that moment that I had to do something. I believed God guided me to this so I must start making changes. I wanted to change myself, my marriage, my faith, my family everything to be better.
I didn’t know how to go about this. I had no point of reference. I had never seen anyone in my life do this or talk about it. As many of us do we know we want to make a change and then the “I”ll start tomorrow or after I figure out how to do this” thoughts happen days turn into years and now we are a few years later and our kids were quite a bit older, and I looked back and realized I had not done anything. The only way to change our family dynamic was to start with me.
So, I started with counseling, therapy, psychologists, and psychiatrists to help me heal. I had tried all of this before when I was a single mom but I was hopeful doing the same thing again, this time, maybe it would be different. I also added in personal development. I bought Tony Robbins CD and DVD set (if that doesn’t age me, well, lol) I knew something was missing. There was something missing between what counseling was offering and what personal development was offering.
In the end I learned I must be willing to let go of things, lose people, face whatever the journey presents. This allowed me to have the freedom to start the journey to discover my truth and defeat my past so I could be free to design the future I was purposed for.
This meant I could now fill the gap for myself that was missing between therapy and personal development. I found self-discovery. In he end I was able to dive deep into the darkest parts of my soul as a disconnected observer so I could learn from my past, overcome my past, and choose freely the direction I wanted my life to go.
When all is said and done I was able to reconnect with God, learn my triggers, identify when I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually slipping so I could refer back to my tools I had been creating that worked. Even taking 2 steps back, sometimes even what felt like 10 step back I was able to pull myself out and start taking 1 step forward again.
This journey took me 15 years because I was intentional about getting to the root cause of my hurts, pains, traumas, and issues. I learned there is a need for therapy, for personal development in my life. They can’t be the end all be all of my growth. I have to spend time in my faith and in self-discovery. I have to have a solid inner foundation to live from so I can make sure I am doing my best to be my best self even when I am struggling.
And in the end, all of this means that self-discovery is a life long journey. I am always growing and learning and sometimes things I have already thought were healed will come up again and I am able to heal at a new level.
It means that I can finally be completely honest with myself, take full responsibility for myself and my actions, continue to learn to communicate more effectively internally and with others. I can see myself from a non-bias perspective. I am able to see where others were truly contributing to the issue and where I was contributing to the issues. Lastly I learned what I had to be willing to do before ever starting any journey to healing, to changing, in any capacity so I could prepare myself.This journey started when I was 25. This year, 2020 it has been almost 20 years and I feel like I am just getting started. I am having new epiphanies in my relationship with God, myself, and others continuously. I am able to apply all I have learned to most situations in my life.
It has freed me from believing there is something wrong with me and now I know being hurt by others, having trauma, and being shaped by the lies and labels of the world were the problem. Not me. I have been able to take everything I have learned on my journey and help women start to walk this self-discovery journey also.